This year has hands down been the hardest year of my life. My world completely turned upside down. All I thought about my life was ripped apart, and left in shambles. I can honestly say I lost my way multiple times prior to this year, I have made grave mistakes that has led me to where I am now. I am not happy with the person that I once was or with the decisions I made…when I look in the mirror I wonder how I was ever the person that I used to be. The majority of my mistakes and trials had taken place before I became a christian, and as we all know sin has a way of sneaking in and consuming you before you even realize what you are doing. I am so broken without God. I simply could not make it without God. You see this year broke me time and time again, I am battling daily with demons from my past, with the trials that occurred this past year,  and with depression…but I make it one day at a time because I know I am not alone. I could waste your time and mine and admit all of my wrongdoings, how I wish I could go back and redo all of my mistakes, but that just isn’t how the world works. I am so thankful for the person I am today, so I suppose that means I need to be thankful for the events that led me to who I am now… even the pain, the hurt, the bad choices, the devastation. I have come to learn that I am in charge of me, and my decisions. I am in charge of the person that I am, peoples views of me do not make me the person they see. Everyone has a story, everyone is a villain in someones story, and if any of you know me you know I hate to admit I could ever be viewed as such. I am overly loving to a fault. I literally would give the last piece of myself to help another who was missing a single part of them. I know the world does not work that way…that the people in the world don’t think that way, act that way, or even appreciate it…but I wont change me even though I end up hurting far more than I would if I were a little more selfish. Almost daily I feel a million different emotions surrounding being a single mother, being divorced, being a person in general. How can someone feel depressed, loved, like a failure, worthless, weak, thankful, strong, and excited all at one time? I don’t have the answer, but I do know I feel all of these. The thing about me is—I don’t know how to just feel small…when I feel- it is BIG, it is STRONG, it has the capability of drowning you. I fall short daily, but that does not mean I don’t give my all. But you guys, I am tired..so tired of trying to be strong, to carry the weight I have been carrying so long. When I get the comments of how strong I am, and how they don’t know how I do it…I want to say I wish you could know my thoughts. The truth is I do this because I have too. I am trying to love myself, to forgive myself, to care for myself, and to give myself grace. My babies deserve a better mother—a happier mother. 

I am so ready for a new year. I truly am viewing this new year as a genuine new start for me. The opening of a brand new book. After being saved a couple years ago I made a vow to myself that I would be the best version of myself that I could be, that I would do my best to love others like Jesus, and now I am going to try to love myself like Jesus does. I have learned so much from this roller coaster of a year, and I will use it, and the lessons that came with it to become a better me for myself, my children, and my family/friends/future significant other. A friend of mine is using social media to share her story of all the lessons she has learned from her hard 2019. So I want to leave a list for you, and maybe they will help you.

1) Love yourself. Forgive yourself.- this life is hard enough to not care for yourself.

2) Let go of your past mistakes- they do not define who you are now.

3) Do not take your loved ones for granted.

4) Stand up for yourself when you know you deserve better.

5) Walk away when you know you or the other person deserves better.

6) When you love someone, give them all of you. Trust them. Do not lose sight of them.

7) Be loving in all things. Slow your anger. Think before you react. 

8) If something or someone costs you your peace, let it go.

9) Never go against what your gut tells you, instead pray about it, then make a plan.

10) Pray for your heart to be protected from things not meant for you. 

11) Do not force anything. relationships, careers, feelings, etc. Let it unfold as it should.

12) Never say things you don’t mean. Stop sugar coating things. Be direct. 

13) Everyone is in your life for a reason, cherish them, whether its for a lesson, or a part 

                  in it. 

14) In all things be kind. 

15) Empower each other, support each other, love each other.

16) Stop letting peoples views of you define YOU-still working on this, people pleaser       

                  right here. 

Lord, I Need You- Matt Maher

One Thing Remains- Soul Survivor 

Do you ever just sit still and focus on where you are? Not so much physically, but really where you are in life. Do you ever wonder, how did I end up here? Life has an uncanny way of flashing before our eyes, even when some days feel like they last a lifetime… you blink and you’re almost 30. The life you always envisioned for yourself has unraveled, the plan you had completely demolished. With each passing day, change has a way of creeping in, mostly slowly, but sometimes change can occur all at once. I have hit a place in my life I never thought would be me. Who thinks they will be divorced with 3 kids at the age of 27 (almost 28)? Who thinks that you will get your life all figured out, and then suddenly it shifts, and you have to do it all over again? Looking back…life for me over the last decade has been a roller coaster, some highs, but mainly lows. In these ten years I somehow lost who I was while molding to fit someone else. As days go by, months pass, as months pass, years change—and with that so do we. The question is, do we change to be a better version of ourselves, or do we change to be a better version of someone to fit the circumstances we find ourselves caught up in? I am slowly learning that being me, doing things for me, and being true to myself brings me more peace, and happiness. As a mother I have to try and be my best self at all times, I put so much pressure on myself to keep a healing, fun, and loving environment for my kids…but when I’m not happy, when I am stressed, and when I am worried they get the broken pieces of me. I am finding out that being true to me ends up leading to a better home for the babies, and I. 

I once feared the word divorce, I grew up around it—I just never thought I would end up being a part of that statistic. The pain and fear of being alone has subsided, the fear that my children would be harmed by this is still present…but I grew up in a place knowing my parents needed a divorce, but they held out for my sister and I to graduate. I was told by a medical professional, that studies show that children with two homes aren’t unhappy, it is the children whose parents have volatile relationships in front of the kids who develop problems in their future. I personally feel that what is best for children are to be in a home with two loving parents, but the world, and the people in it have changed—myself included. I always wanted my children to never have a childhood they have to heal from, and I still pray that for them. I just know in my heart this is the best thing for them, and for me. As shocking as all of this was, I feel as though my marriage was a dormant volcano always quietly simmering under the surface just waiting for the right environment to erupt. I am at a place now that I am thankful it ended. Without endings, there would be no new beginnings. No chances to make your life something extraordinary. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also know God has plans for me. He knew all of this before I did, and He knows my future. I put all of my trust, and faith in Him. My relationship, and faith has strengthened after this dilemma. It is true that in your weakness, God makes you strong. I know He uses hard times, to help reel you back into your relationship with Him. So for this pain, and this life lesson I am thankful. 

8/2/19

Strength in weakness. 

Freedom in loss. 

Love in sadness. 

Why is it when you go through some of the most painful situations do you suddenly begin to see things clearly? It’s as though you have wiped a window clean, and you can now see out. You see that your past has brought you to who you are now, but you will never accept things as they have been. Your present is more bright, beautiful, full of wonder, raw emotion, and detail. You cherish the good days—the easy days. You cherish every laugh, every smile, and every hug. You feel the sad, and hard days to your core—but know they won’t stay that way. Your future now has become a mystery, but not one you’re afraid of like you used to be. It is something you’re excited, and curious about. You’re ready to turn the page, and open a new book all together. It comes with fear, but who says fear is a bad thing? We as humans, have always been those to like routine, and predictability. As babies we were engulfed in routine- bed time, feedings, naps, etc. So why would that change now? We like stability, comfort, and feeling like we know what to expect daily… but sometimes, a lot of the time— change, fear, and anxiety leads to something so much better. God has plans for

each of us, nothing we do will surprise Him. Our job is to listen, and to follow the path He has created for us so that we can be our happiest selves. 

Life is a messy, complicated, and amazing experience. The experiences we encounter daily, the people we meet, the people we become close too, the people we lose…they all shape us to be the person that we are meant to be. Pain is a very raw, gut wrenching emotion; but, with pain comes the appreciation for the good in life. It makes every single moment that provides us with happiness that much more vivid. The smile from a baby, the kisses from your children, a belly laugh with your friends, the feeling of a warm embrace, the fun of dancing to your favorite song, the feeling of a passionate kiss, the beauty of the sunlight dancing across the sky with pastel colors painting the clouds. You realize that the world is full of so many amazing, and beautiful people, places, feelings, and moments. You are so thankful to be alive. You are thankful for the bad times, that help you appreciate the good. I am at the point now where I feel as though blessings truly can come disguised as an ending. The many corny Pinterest quotes that talk in variation about “when one door closes, another opens” could not be more true. Fear of the future is gone, and fear for staying the same, or reverting back is there. A road of self discovery, improvement of self, working on strengthening relationships, becoming the best mother and Christian I have ever been…these are all my current goals. I am finally truly at peace, and I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This season of becoming is going to be phenomenal. 

A three word question, that if answered truthfully is full of an array of emotions. How can everything I feel be summed up in an answer to that question? Instead of wasting what energy I have left to muster up the words to explain my pain, hurt, fear, anger, depression, anxiety, confusion, worthlessness, slight excitement, curiosity of the future, and strength I’m finding…I say “I’m okay.” All while hiding inside my own emotions that have the strength to knock me off my feet like waves in the ocean. I can feel my center of gravity being shifted forwards, and backwards with the tide. But, amongst all of these feelings, I feel water of grace rushing over me, reminding me who I am, who I am meant to become, and who my heart really belongs too. This water has washed my soul clean, and provided hope when it feels there is none. 

We are wired to feel as though we need someone, that there is a missing  piece  to our puzzle. That we are not whole until we have another person. When really this desire comes from God creating an opening, and a need  to be close  to Him. It can not, and will not be fulfilled until we realize that, and seek Him. God uses people, pain, love, and loss to bring us closer to Him, and the ones we love. He does all things for our good. Even when we don’t understand it at the time, even when we think we have life figured out…we don’t. 

My own personal journey is beginning thru pain, heart ache, and betrayal. I have never been encompassed in so many emotions in my life. I am a generally happy person overall, so I mean it when I say, I don’t know how “to do sad.” I am currently working on taking my focus off of my past, my wrongdoings that in no way helped the situation I am going thru, and some could argue assisted this problem into existence. But I am not my past. It will never define who I am. Betrayal in all of its glory, likes to lead people to feel as though something is wrong with them, that they are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. When in all reality it has nothing to do with us at all. We are enough. I am enough. You are enough. It is okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and anxious. It is not okay for you to blame yourself for what has been done to you, because you can not control others, or the situations that occur from them. I have a big heart, and I do not say that lightly, genuinely if there was an ICD 10 code for emotional cardiomegaly, that would be me. (Medical humor.) Due to the size of my heart, I easily take on others burdens, others problems, others emotions. I put myself in other peoples shoes, and I thoroughly try to evaluate the situation at all angles. By doing that, it is so very easy to take the blame when you did nothing to cause the betrayal. Betrayal is a decision. Just like deciding to turn a light on or off in a room when you enter. You as the person who has that option, have the ability to say no- no matter the circumstances that could have led you to that point. 

Pain and heartache: equally as painful, yet two completely different issues. I never understood how people genuinely could die from heart ache…but I get it now. It consumes you, like a black monster dragging you into a dark hole while you scrape, and pull to climb out. Your chest hurts, your heart aches, you physically can hardly take a breath, the pain in the pit of your stomach takes hold causing miserable feelings of nausea, and cramping. While experiencing this I remember thinking, if my heart were older, if I had more health problems, this could be enough pain, agony, and stress to do me in. Who really knew emotions could cause a pain such as this? I didn’t, but unfortunately I have found out. It has been a month, and I can see down into that large pit I had fallen into, somehow I climbed out…15 lbs lighter, but I made it out. There has been a great earth quake from this pain, and damage. The ground I now stand on has been demolished, and is crumbling apart in front of me from the life I once felt so secure about. There is a great divide now. The person I once stood beside is on the opposing side never to be reached again…and that pit I pulled myself out of was created from the broken promises, deceit, and a destroyed future. 

Now it is time to rebuild a new future. Rebuild myself. Rebuild my family. Be the best mother I can to my three beautiful children. God knew I needed them to get thru this. I am so thankful God has plans for me. Plans that will be better than I could ever construct for myself. I am thankful for a forgiving, and loving God. I trust Him, and his plan for my life. For when I am weak, He is strong.

Xoxoxo