Lessons

This year has hands down been the hardest year of my life. My world completely turned upside down. All I thought about my life was ripped apart, and left in shambles. I can honestly say I lost my way multiple times prior to this year, I have made grave mistakes that has led me to where I am now. I am not happy with the person that I once was or with the decisions I made…when I look in the mirror I wonder how I was ever the person that I used to be. The majority of my mistakes and trials had taken place before I became a christian, and as we all know sin has a way of sneaking in and consuming you before you even realize what you are doing. I am so broken without God. I simply could not make it without God. You see this year broke me time and time again, I am battling daily with demons from my past, with the trials that occurred this past year,  and with depression…but I make it one day at a time because I know I am not alone. I could waste your time and mine and admit all of my wrongdoings, how I wish I could go back and redo all of my mistakes, but that just isn’t how the world works. I am so thankful for the person I am today, so I suppose that means I need to be thankful for the events that led me to who I am now… even the pain, the hurt, the bad choices, the devastation. I have come to learn that I am in charge of me, and my decisions. I am in charge of the person that I am, peoples views of me do not make me the person they see. Everyone has a story, everyone is a villain in someones story, and if any of you know me you know I hate to admit I could ever be viewed as such. I am overly loving to a fault. I literally would give the last piece of myself to help another who was missing a single part of them. I know the world does not work that way…that the people in the world don’t think that way, act that way, or even appreciate it…but I wont change me even though I end up hurting far more than I would if I were a little more selfish. Almost daily I feel a million different emotions surrounding being a single mother, being divorced, being a person in general. How can someone feel depressed, loved, like a failure, worthless, weak, thankful, strong, and excited all at one time? I don’t have the answer, but I do know I feel all of these. The thing about me is—I don’t know how to just feel small…when I feel- it is BIG, it is STRONG, it has the capability of drowning you. I fall short daily, but that does not mean I don’t give my all. But you guys, I am tired..so tired of trying to be strong, to carry the weight I have been carrying so long. When I get the comments of how strong I am, and how they don’t know how I do it…I want to say I wish you could know my thoughts. The truth is I do this because I have too. I am trying to love myself, to forgive myself, to care for myself, and to give myself grace. My babies deserve a better mother—a happier mother. 

I am so ready for a new year. I truly am viewing this new year as a genuine new start for me. The opening of a brand new book. After being saved a couple years ago I made a vow to myself that I would be the best version of myself that I could be, that I would do my best to love others like Jesus, and now I am going to try to love myself like Jesus does. I have learned so much from this roller coaster of a year, and I will use it, and the lessons that came with it to become a better me for myself, my children, and my family/friends/future significant other. A friend of mine is using social media to share her story of all the lessons she has learned from her hard 2019. So I want to leave a list for you, and maybe they will help you.

1) Love yourself. Forgive yourself.- this life is hard enough to not care for yourself.

2) Let go of your past mistakes- they do not define who you are now.

3) Do not take your loved ones for granted.

4) Stand up for yourself when you know you deserve better.

5) Walk away when you know you or the other person deserves better.

6) When you love someone, give them all of you. Trust them. Do not lose sight of them.

7) Be loving in all things. Slow your anger. Think before you react. 

8) If something or someone costs you your peace, let it go.

9) Never go against what your gut tells you, instead pray about it, then make a plan.

10) Pray for your heart to be protected from things not meant for you. 

11) Do not force anything. relationships, careers, feelings, etc. Let it unfold as it should.

12) Never say things you don’t mean. Stop sugar coating things. Be direct. 

13) Everyone is in your life for a reason, cherish them, whether its for a lesson, or a part 

                  in it. 

14) In all things be kind. 

15) Empower each other, support each other, love each other.

16) Stop letting peoples views of you define YOU-still working on this, people pleaser       

                  right here. 

Lord, I Need You- Matt Maher

One Thing Remains- Soul Survivor