Time Has a Funny Way of Changing You.

Do you ever just sit still and focus on where you are? Not so much physically, but really where you are in life. Do you ever wonder, how did I end up here? Life has an uncanny way of flashing before our eyes, even when some days feel like they last a lifetime… you blink and you’re almost 30. The life you always envisioned for yourself has unraveled, the plan you had completely demolished. With each passing day, change has a way of creeping in, mostly slowly, but sometimes change can occur all at once. I have hit a place in my life I never thought would be me. Who thinks they will be divorced with 3 kids at the age of 27 (almost 28)? Who thinks that you will get your life all figured out, and then suddenly it shifts, and you have to do it all over again? Looking back…life for me over the last decade has been a roller coaster, some highs, but mainly lows. In these ten years I somehow lost who I was while molding to fit someone else. As days go by, months pass, as months pass, years change—and with that so do we. The question is, do we change to be a better version of ourselves, or do we change to be a better version of someone to fit the circumstances we find ourselves caught up in? I am slowly learning that being me, doing things for me, and being true to myself brings me more peace, and happiness. As a mother I have to try and be my best self at all times, I put so much pressure on myself to keep a healing, fun, and loving environment for my kids…but when I’m not happy, when I am stressed, and when I am worried they get the broken pieces of me. I am finding out that being true to me ends up leading to a better home for the babies, and I. 

I once feared the word divorce, I grew up around it—I just never thought I would end up being a part of that statistic. The pain and fear of being alone has subsided, the fear that my children would be harmed by this is still present…but I grew up in a place knowing my parents needed a divorce, but they held out for my sister and I to graduate. I was told by a medical professional, that studies show that children with two homes aren’t unhappy, it is the children whose parents have volatile relationships in front of the kids who develop problems in their future. I personally feel that what is best for children are to be in a home with two loving parents, but the world, and the people in it have changed—myself included. I always wanted my children to never have a childhood they have to heal from, and I still pray that for them. I just know in my heart this is the best thing for them, and for me. As shocking as all of this was, I feel as though my marriage was a dormant volcano always quietly simmering under the surface just waiting for the right environment to erupt. I am at a place now that I am thankful it ended. Without endings, there would be no new beginnings. No chances to make your life something extraordinary. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also know God has plans for me. He knew all of this before I did, and He knows my future. I put all of my trust, and faith in Him. My relationship, and faith has strengthened after this dilemma. It is true that in your weakness, God makes you strong. I know He uses hard times, to help reel you back into your relationship with Him. So for this pain, and this life lesson I am thankful.