Are you okay?

A three word question, that if answered truthfully is full of an array of emotions. How can everything I feel be summed up in an answer to that question? Instead of wasting what energy I have left to muster up the words to explain my pain, hurt, fear, anger, depression, anxiety, confusion, worthlessness, slight excitement, curiosity of the future, and strength I’m finding…I say “I’m okay.” All while hiding inside my own emotions that have the strength to knock me off my feet like waves in the ocean. I can feel my center of gravity being shifted forwards, and backwards with the tide. But, amongst all of these feelings, I feel water of grace rushing over me, reminding me who I am, who I am meant to become, and who my heart really belongs too. This water has washed my soul clean, and provided hope when it feels there is none. 

We are wired to feel as though we need someone, that there is a missing  piece  to our puzzle. That we are not whole until we have another person. When really this desire comes from God creating an opening, and a need  to be close  to Him. It can not, and will not be fulfilled until we realize that, and seek Him. God uses people, pain, love, and loss to bring us closer to Him, and the ones we love. He does all things for our good. Even when we don’t understand it at the time, even when we think we have life figured out…we don’t. 

My own personal journey is beginning thru pain, heart ache, and betrayal. I have never been encompassed in so many emotions in my life. I am a generally happy person overall, so I mean it when I say, I don’t know how “to do sad.” I am currently working on taking my focus off of my past, my wrongdoings that in no way helped the situation I am going thru, and some could argue assisted this problem into existence. But I am not my past. It will never define who I am. Betrayal in all of its glory, likes to lead people to feel as though something is wrong with them, that they are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. When in all reality it has nothing to do with us at all. We are enough. I am enough. You are enough. It is okay to be angry, hurt, sad, and anxious. It is not okay for you to blame yourself for what has been done to you, because you can not control others, or the situations that occur from them. I have a big heart, and I do not say that lightly, genuinely if there was an ICD 10 code for emotional cardiomegaly, that would be me. (Medical humor.) Due to the size of my heart, I easily take on others burdens, others problems, others emotions. I put myself in other peoples shoes, and I thoroughly try to evaluate the situation at all angles. By doing that, it is so very easy to take the blame when you did nothing to cause the betrayal. Betrayal is a decision. Just like deciding to turn a light on or off in a room when you enter. You as the person who has that option, have the ability to say no- no matter the circumstances that could have led you to that point. 

Pain and heartache: equally as painful, yet two completely different issues. I never understood how people genuinely could die from heart ache…but I get it now. It consumes you, like a black monster dragging you into a dark hole while you scrape, and pull to climb out. Your chest hurts, your heart aches, you physically can hardly take a breath, the pain in the pit of your stomach takes hold causing miserable feelings of nausea, and cramping. While experiencing this I remember thinking, if my heart were older, if I had more health problems, this could be enough pain, agony, and stress to do me in. Who really knew emotions could cause a pain such as this? I didn’t, but unfortunately I have found out. It has been a month, and I can see down into that large pit I had fallen into, somehow I climbed out…15 lbs lighter, but I made it out. There has been a great earth quake from this pain, and damage. The ground I now stand on has been demolished, and is crumbling apart in front of me from the life I once felt so secure about. There is a great divide now. The person I once stood beside is on the opposing side never to be reached again…and that pit I pulled myself out of was created from the broken promises, deceit, and a destroyed future. 

Now it is time to rebuild a new future. Rebuild myself. Rebuild my family. Be the best mother I can to my three beautiful children. God knew I needed them to get thru this. I am so thankful God has plans for me. Plans that will be better than I could ever construct for myself. I am thankful for a forgiving, and loving God. I trust Him, and his plan for my life. For when I am weak, He is strong.

Xoxoxo